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sorry about the pop-ups
down by the river
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
blogger, I forgot about you.

you're the middle child a parent has no time for.

regardless, I have my roots in you therefore you will always exist.

until our next reunion..

avoid getting shut down.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
this post will contain the usual self-loathing and depression.. but that's okay because I can write knowing no one reads this anymore. I should talk to james about this but I feel like I can't.. I know he works hard and needs his sleep, so I leave him be.

I had planned a camping trip with a club that I'm in. we decided when and where we were going to camp three months ago, which was great because I really felt like we would bond and serve as a team this up coming year.. then things started coming up so that people had to cancel and I had never planned a camping trip before, resulting in many mistakes on my part. I mean, I understand that things happen and plans change but our group went from a dozen to half a dozen..

and no one reads the emails I send out, stating the days that we'll be camping! I'm positive that I asked everyone whether they wanted to stay til sunday but no one responded, so I booked til saturday.. people are still thinking we're staying til sunday. I can understand that they can assume both weekend days will be booked but in every single email, I would say the days as well as the dates of the event. it frustrates me..

no one is responding to another email too, though this one is about voting to approve of an amendment to our bylaws. we had a pretty good response the first week the email was sent out and then nothing! no one seems to bother reading any of the emails, no matter how important they are.

now I feel like these are indications of how next year will be. I thought it was going to be great, that I'll have a strong team to make next year awesome.. but now I feel like it's just going to be me again.. me and james but it's not by his choice.

I am also bothered by the fact that I stuck my neck out for the camping trip but it's headed towards a steep downward spiral. my boss has been the greatest and I feel like I'm on thin ice with him for nothing. I just hope the people who do show up have a great time..

I'm further bummed that my gimpy is sick. she has a severe case of dropsy and she might die while I'm away on that camping trip. she's been with me forever and one of my favorite bettas.. I don't want her to die.

Thursday, June 12, 2008
I know I haven't posted in a while and that's because this quarter has been quite busy, especially with my TA position. now that the quarter is over, I can focus on research..

I don't know what it is, but I feel like such a failure. maybe it's the combination of trying to not let dietmar nor norm down. I don't feel as productive as I should be with lab and so I know dietmar is disappointed. I'm trying to be a leader for AFS but I've never held an official position before, much less president. norm is such a great leader and so knowledgeable that I don't think I can ever live up to him. I'm not so sure if the excuse "I didn't know because I'm still learning" can work anymore, even if it is true. I've told myself that I need to stop getting myself down by thinking "I should have" this or that.. like I should have known better. then again there are many times when I feel like I'm not deserving of the opportunities I've been given.. that I wasted the ones I've taken. what is my problem? why do I want to flee in times of adversity? why do I avoid challenges?

sometimes I think I would be happier doing manual labor, that my brain is not meant for complicated things.. I guess I haven't felt I found what I wanted to do as a career, and I'm scared that I'm going to fail and disappoint too many people along the way. I don't want someone to hold my hand because I know I can do things on my own.. I guess my confidence is lacking. see? even that statement wasn't said with confidence!

my psychologist suggested that it's my culture and my gender that makes me softspoken. being raised in a culture where the girl isn't supposed to ask questions, be assertive or perhaps even speak makes it difficult for me to be "american".. I'm supposed to be a good girl - sitting quietly, pleasantly - and always being agreeable.. so I try not to ask for help, either for fear of being a nuisance or of seeming stupid. I'm trying to feel comfortable asking questions despite what my conscious thinks.

Sunday, March 09, 2008
this is one of the coolest pics ever.. pun intended.

not much else has been going on.. I've been slacking on my studies.. which I realize I'm doing yet still do nothing about it. I don't know why I don't have that drive. maybe I'm at that point where I just want the quarter to be over. I'm not enjoying this quarter as much as last quarter, unfortunately. I'll work on it.

in other news, albeit it isn't new for those who know me... david beckham is totally dreamy. he has even done an ad to promote disney's year of a million dreams; he is prince phillip from sleeping beauty (completely appropriate cuz sleeping beauty would be my favorite princess, if I had to choose, and not because of beckham).

ok ok. I'll get back to work.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008
stuff I'm digging:
pandora radio
the hush sound
the giants winning the superbowl
being done with the first suite of midterms
my immunology and comparative physiology texts (involuntarily)
pay day
finding sales
baking soda

stuff I could do without:
having to pay bills/financial ruin
tree frogs in the apartment (we have cats)
cats chewing on all things with strings
a "muffin top"
bad bras
not being able to afford the sales
being nagged

Thursday, January 31, 2008
no to toot my department's horn or anything..

but this man is awesome. toot! toot!

Friday, January 18, 2008
christmas and new years have passed way too quickly.. san antonio was good but it wasn't a vacation.. I was stressed out from making sure I didn't look like a blubbering idiot while trying to explain my poster, as well as trying to make it to every talk that interested me. the flights to and from san antonio were the worst EVER, no thanks to the big, windy storm that delayed my 6am flight two hours (we were sitting on the runway) and subsequently shut off the power to the airport (all flights after us were cancelled) and to half of davis.. I actually feared for my life on this flight because everything was turbulent- especially the take off and the next two or so hours.

as soon as I got back to davis though, it was nonstop moving. james, a couple of his brothers and his dad were moving our stuff while I was in san antonio.. thank goodness cuz I don't know what the hell we would've done if they weren't up here to help.. james and I didn't stop moving and cleaning til 9:30am the following day from my return cuz the keys were due back to the manager. we had a lot of stuff just placed somewhere in our new place just so we get it out of our old place, so the past couple weeks has been trying to unpack after work. in the mean time, the cats have decided to piss on everything that could use a lil freshening up kitty style. james and I also have to re-instill rules such as scolding them for jumping onto tables and counters, and chewing on things like my shoelaces. they've calmed a bit down since but we hope they're not like this for every move.. it's okay cuz they're behaving normally and eating well. all our fish are well too so I'm happy. now to put a log in the fireplace...

james and I have gotten a few more bettas since then. we've lucked out on getting two that are compatible with a community tank! the sparkster chills with the guppies and the cory hodgepodge; odin is quite handsome in the planted tank; and dean is our newest arrival (today).. I'm not sure if he'd do well in a community tank but I figure it'd be best for him to be in his own bowl because for a betta, he has absurdly long pectorals, which may prove difficult for swimming in current. typically, a betta's pectoral fins are petal shaped, but his are more like 2cm long yet slender leaves. his coloration is almost cambodian, with purple at the peduncle blending into magenta tips.

school has started and there is a lot of work for me.. pretty much a billion pages of reading a week. that's all there is to it.

my brother has gotten a new job (congrats!) so I'm very happy for him. this job promotes improvement and moving up the ladder, unlike his current place of employment. my mom's car broke down; my parents have been in need of new, functional cars from quite some time now. my dad is too spendthrift when it comes to cars.. I mean, I know cars don't come cheap.. well, good cars don't come cheap.. but you get what you pay for, you know? a car is something you want to make sure is dependable because being stranded is really no fun. my dad prefers to constantly fix the car when it breaks, but that becomes unreasonable past a certain point. all that money put towards fixing the car could've gone towards buying a car that you can trust. I understand where my dad's coming from but we're beyond that point now.

and for the big finish, happy birthday to my cousin christine (jan 10) and one of my dearest companions leo (jan 16).. whom, by the way, never picks up the phone when I call.. ahem..